A while back I wrote a tutorial on the things you should say to a pregnant woman.  Those are definitely things to make her feel great about herself.  Please review that post and practice.  This post, however, is more on how to make a pregnant feel even more grumpy than she might already feel.

Tip #1: Make unsolicited comments.  This one comes from a real life example.  Last week, I was standing by the printer at work, waiting for my print job to be completed, minding my own business.  Some guy I’ve never met came right up to me, pointed to my belly and said with a big confident smile, “You must be having a boy!”  I said, “No, I’m having a girl.”  And I was thinking to myself, who the hell are you?  Do I even know you?  He said, “Oh, no, you must be having a boy, because I heard that when your belly sticks out this far, it must be a boy.”  All I could think of is how I can claw his eyes out without anyone noticing the blood on my hands.  He must have read my tutorial and was practicing the art of being an ass.  Good for him!

Tip #2: Touch the pregnant woman’s belly without asking permission or receiving invitation.  This also comes from a real life scenario.  Yesterday I got in the elevator with my boss to go downstairs for a coffee.  Another lady got into the elevator with us.  She reached out and touched my belly, and asked, “So when are you due?”  I didn’t answer her question, but said calmly, “Can you please not touch me?”  She then reached out and touched me again, and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I just love babies.”   I physically took a step back and said, “You’re not touching my baby.  You’re touching me.  Having a big belly does not mean an invitation to touch.”  Then later I found out she told other people at work that I yelled at her in the elevator. For the record, I did not yell.

Tip #3: Tell the preggo to suck it up when she’s exhausted.  Come to think of it, this also comes from a real life scenario.  Man, am I just surrounded by asses?  I’ve been working about 50 to 60 hours a week for about a month straight, yet still getting the pressure from the bosses that we’re not making enough revenue.  In the last trimester of pregnancy, this is not an easy task to manage.  The feeling of exhaustion is so familiar that it really wears my spirit down, and I constantly feel like a stretched out elastic about to break.  I understand that if you’ve never been pregnant, you don’t know what that feels like.  Today I was talking to a colleague on-line, I said I have a lot to do before going on mat leave, and I’ve been working X number of hours each week.  She said that’s nothing compared to what her department has to go through.  She proceeded to tell me how few hours I have on each file on average, and to just “suck it up and do it”. And for the record, I said something back to her that I cannot repeat here.

So there you have it.  Find that pregnant woman who is totally exhausted, tries her damndest to do a good job at work but whatever she does is never enough, and try out one of the above tips on her!  You are guaranteed to see the sparks fly!