Ups and downs

The last few of weeks have been brutal at work.  A slew of things all came up at once, one more urgent than the next.  Some days it seems like nothing is going well, and the amount of stress will never end.  I would come home exhausted, spend some time with Joshua, and stay up to work a few more hours until there’s nothing left in me.  The next day is just a repeat of the same motion.  Even when I do spend a couple of hours with Joshua in the evenings, I’ve often fallen asleep watching him play or in the middle of reading a book to him.  Sometimes I can hear him say, “Mommy tired”, but just couldn’t manage open my eyes.

Every morning I think to myself, ok, just X more weeks left until the maternity leave.  Yet it doesn’t make me feel any better.  Just the thought of the stress at work makes me want to just throw up my hands and hide from the world.  I was just exhausted and irritable.  I took everything personally.  Any comments about how “big” I’m getting made me feel more depressed.  It doesn’t help when I’m getting ready to leave each morning, Joshua does his little whiny “Mommy no go work”, sometimes with a few drops of tears served on the side.  I felt like I was drowning and have nothing to grab onto to help me keep my head above water.

Today, Cliff went to Steveston with a friend in the morning for a couple of hours, so it was just Joshua and I at home.  We had breakfast together and had no other agenda.  So we sat on the floor and played with his toys.

I know this is not very significant to sit and play with my son, but I can’t remember the last time it was just the two of us sitting and hanging out.  He gave me some blocks and asked me to stack them up, so I did.  He would then knock the pile down, and ask me to stack them again.  We played this over and over, and each time he knocked the pile down, he giggled and looked at me with his bright smile.  He picked up his monster truck and gave it a hug, which I thought was really cute.  He stuffed his little frog toy with wooden blocks.  He shredded up some toilet paper.  He sat on the window ledge and repeatedly asking me to go outside with him and make bubbles.  He brought me his dump truck and asked me to fix the truck bed that fell off.  He put a bunch of toys down his onsie and walked around for the next hour with a bulge in his shirt.  As we played together, he was telling me his plans for the day.  He will go see Darcy today, give a balloon to Darcy, and share his toy with Darcy.  Darcy is a little friend from music class, and his parents invited us over for dinner tonight.  He also recounted events from last night, that Amelia came for dinner, he played with Amelia, and Amelia went home.  Amelia is the little girl of an old friend of mine.

While watching Joshua do his silly little things, it was the first time in weeks I felt a sense of peace.  I really needed this–just some time with my son, not rushing anywhere, not trying to cram in more work, not trying to accomplish anything but to be in the moment.  We were in our pyjamas, sitting on the dog hair covered floor, with toys strewn about, and just enjoying each other’s company.  It was the most heavenly hour I’ve had in a long time.  I wish I could bottle up this time and savour it when I need it later.

I am still not 100% excited about the next (and the last!) 4 weeks of work, but I feel a bit more ready to face the ups and downs.

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