When I was pregnant with Joshua, sometimes I wondered what it’ll be like once he comes out. I mean, I’ve heard people tell me over and over how wonderful it is to have a baby and how much you just learn to love it. But come on, honestly, it was really hard to imagine what it’ll be like until you actually get there, right?
I had doubts of how I am going to learn to love another human by the required amount to qualify as a good parent.
As soon as I woke up from anesthesia and Cliff put Joshua in my arms, I was madly in love. There was no question or a hint of doubt that I’d give anything for this little being.
You know the movie, The Grinch? There’s a scene near the end, once the Grinch learned how to love, that his heart grew by 3 sizes and he fell to the ground clutching his chest while this new bigger heart beat in his body. THAT, was how I felt when I first laid eyes on Joshua. It literally felt like my heart grew by 3 sizes that day, and I gained this new capacity to love another human being that I didn’t think was possible.
You would think that with that experience, I would know what to expect with the next baby, right?
Savanna is coming in less than 2 months, and I’m sitting here wondering how I’m going to love another human being as much as I love Joshua. I know this sounds terrible, but it’s the truth. I’m worried I won’t be a good mom to her because my heart is not big enough. It’s hard for me to imagine anything outside of the current reality of life. Right now my little kingdom is made up of Cliff, Joshua, and Sam. They’re right in front of my eyes, and I have no problem telling you all the ways I love them to bits and pieces. But adding another little human being to the mix is just hard to picture.
Maybe my heart will grow another 3 sizes as soon as I get to see Savanna.