Two years ago, I was pregnant with Joshua in the winter. Last winter, Joshua was so little that I didn’t want to leave him for more than a couple of hours at a time. So it’s been two years since I’ve been snowboarding. But a few weeks ago, I made plans with a friend to hit the slopes on Sunday. As luck would have it, the weather was outrageously gorgeous and mild on Sunday!
Snowboarding is something I absolutely loved since I was 19. Before Joshua came along, I looked forward to winter and hitting the slopes as many times as I can. I dreamed of snow, of mountain, and of being a ski bum. But on Sunday, I felt like I was being so selfish by going to do something for myself. I would be gone for 5 hours. That’s 5 hours I could have spent with Joshua. I really struggled with wanting to go snowboarding, and wanting to just stay home with him at the same time.
When I left that morning, I heard Joshua cry behind the closed door. I’m sure he recovered within 10 seconds after I left. But I just tormented myself with the thought that I’m being a bad mother. On the entire drive up Cypress, I kept beating myself up inside.
The weather was so mild and so beautiful. When we got to the top of the chair lift, we had the view of the ocean, mountains, and the city. We took an easy green run for me to warm up. The wind whistled by my ears as we carved and turned in the snow down the hill. I felt so alive. I was reminded of how much I truly loved snowboarding.
At that moment, I decided that I need to stop feeling guilty. I think that ultimately, I would really prefer that Joshua grows up understanding that I go snowboarding because it’s something I enjoy. I obviously can’t spend all my free time snowboarding like I used to, but I do need to do things I love because it makes life more interesting. With that in mind, I ditched all the guilty thoughts and allowed myself to have a good time.
It was so nice to just ride and hang out with my friend. We got about 6 or 7 runs in the morning, had a quick lunch, and did another 4 runs after that. Towards the end my legs were just burning from using muscles I haven’t used in so long. My face was wind burnt, my back ached, and it was such a blast!
I think it was great for me to have some “me” time on the slopes. I got home in time to take a snooze with Joshua before we headed out for our evening dinner plans. He was certainly not traumatized by my absence, and he was his usual cheerful self. I actually felt like I found some rare balance for a day.