Last few days of breastfeeding

Two days ago, I stopped taking domperidone. It would be a matter of days before my milk dries up.

It makes me sad to stop breastfeeding. I can’t really explain why. It took so much work and effort to get to a point where I was happy just to be able to breastfeed even though I couldn’t do it exclusively. It felt like at least I was doing the best I can for my baby. It felt like I was meeting a part of his needs.

Stopping seems to signify that I’ve given up or had enough of the hassle (but it’s not true). I’ve tried really hard to reason with myself that Joshua has already had more than 6 months of breast milk, and have already received the maximum benefit he needed.

I think what actually makes me sad is the emotional attachment I’ve grown to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding makes my time with Joshua very special. Anyone can give him a bottle, but only I can breastfeed him. It’s our special bonding time when I breastfeed. Weaning him off is just breaking up that emotional attachment.

Since I stopped taking the domperidone two days ago, I keep waiting for the floodgate of tears to all of a sudden open. I expect it to be a hormonal experience and feeling of loss. So far, no tears yet. It’s only my heart that is sad.

Joshua, you may wonder why I spend such a great deal of time and energy on the topic of breastfeeding. You may never truly understand how important it is to me, but that’s ok because I’m not really sure I can explain it either. Maybe in hindsight I will understand myself better and be able to explain it better.

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