Grieving for something I don’t have

The past few days have been a bit of a blur. Essentially, just as I was starting to think that we have things figured out with Joshua, something new comes up.

For example, I finally figured out how to get him to take the bottle without fighting it. Two days later, he started refusing the breast.

Needless to say, I feel frustrated and inadequate. I wish I just knew how to “fix” things so that everything works out. When I told Kathleen about this today, she said I’ll never get to that point of knowing how to fix everything. Great. Not.

I went to see a gynaecologist yesterday and had an ultrasound done, because I was still bleeding after 7 1/2 weeks. The lactation consultant thinks that I might have retained placenta and that may cause the milk production to be slowed. Well, the ultrasound confirmed that there was no retained placenta. I was almost hoping that would be the explanation of the low milk production. However, that is not the case. So now we’re back to “some people just don’t produce enough milk”, and I’m one of those “some people”.

I think it is a grieving process for me with this low milk production thing. I had just assumed that my body would work like everyone else’s, but that’s just not the case. I thought that if I tried hard enough, worked hard enough, take enough supplements, I can do what all the other moms do–breast feed their babies. Yet I don’t even produce half of what Joshua needs, regardless of what I do. Seeing the lactation consultant was the last resource I have tapped into, and now I have nowhere else to go, no one else to see, and no new supplements to take. This is it. Final. I don’t make enough milk for my baby.

It’s amazing how hard it is to swallow this reality.

It’s been almost two months of sleep deprivation, on top of fighting with this breast feeding issue. I am emotionally tapped out. I want to throw up my arms and just throw a tantrum. I realized today that my obsession with breast feeding has literally taken away my focus on enjoying motherhood. This obsession needs to stop before it becomes unhealthy for my baby.

Ultimately, I love my son to pieces. I want to provide the best for him. The best needs to be more than just the breast milk, but also an emotionally healthy mom. I need to start working through my emotions and let go of what is not meant to be, and get emotionally healthy for my son.



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