The past few days have been a blur. Joshua stays up fussing until about 2 am, then feeds a few time at night, and I am just exhausted. On my walk with him today, I called Kathleen and I just bursted into tears. I can’t think straight, and I feel bitter towards Cliff and his work. I want to take everything out on Cliff. When he took this job, he told me the hours will be very little so he can help me with the baby. Now it’s the complete opposite, and I feel like screaming at him at least a few times a day.
Since mom left for Taiwan on Joshua’s one-month birthday, I had even less help. Now we have to get our own groceries and cook our own meals, I think I’ve missed a few meals without realizing it. Things were busy enough with Joshua when mom was here, now it’s even busier.
I know that the first few weeks I was of the opinion that this tiredness will be short-term and not a big deal. Today I had the thought that I’m so tired that I just want to have someone watch Joshua for 8 hours so I can sleep for 8 hours straight. I guess I have used up my reserve energy, and now am running on empty. Kathleen calls it “hitting the wall”. It sure feels like a big thick wall I am hitting.
Parenthood is the most rewarding and tiring thing I’ve ever experienced.