Back to see Dr. L again:
We went back to see Dr. L today. Good news! Joshua has put on another 100 grams since yesterday. He is doing really well, and Dr. L was happy with his progress.
At the end of the appointment with Dr. L, she asked if I had any questions. I had a million questions for her, but they just don’t seem all that important to ask when I was just worried about my son. But since she brought up the opportunity to ask, I started crying and asked what I did wrong. Did I gain too much weight in pregnancy so Joshua couldn’t be delivered naturally? Did I not exercise enough? Did I miss something important about breastfeeding that he wasn’t getting enough milk? I just needed to know what I’ve done wrong to end up feeling so useless and hopeless.
Dr. L was very sympathetic, sat down, and took the time to go over all my questions. She said that most importantly, Joshua is healthy and beautiful. His weight wasn’t a problem with natural delivery. We may never know why he wasn’t ready to come out by his due date. It’s entirely possible that the way he was positioned in the uterus had something to do with it, but we may never find out. In terms of breastfeeding, she was still hopeful that the prescription drug will help me produce enough to breastfeed exclusively. Ultimately, she said there was nothing I did wrong. Sometimes “shit happens”.
I also asked why I was under general anesthesia rather than just the normal spinal freeze. She explained that the spinal freeze takes 30 to 45 minutes to begin working. In the OR, the obgyn decided that the first priority was to get Joshua out of the uterus, so using general anesthesia is the quickest and best option at that time. When she said that sometimes women grieve for missing the moment of their children’s birth, the emotion hit me so hard that I cried some more.
I’ve thought of this over and over–I can’t believe I missed my own son’s birth. I was knocked out under anesthesia, having no part in the birth of my first-born. I didn’t even get to hold him or hear his first cry until about 3 hours later. That was just not what I had in mind for having this baby.
It was important for me to hear the opinion of a professional. She didn’t think it was anything I’ve done wrong to result in a c-section delivery and have troubles with breastfeeding. It was helpful for me to hear those words from her, and know it’s ok to grieve for missing my son’s moment of birth.
At the end of our appointment, Dr. L also mentioned that the obgyn who did my c-section would recommend that we deliver our next baby by c-section as well. Apparently the bottom part of my uterus is too thin, and therefore there is a higher chance of the uterus rupturing during delivery if I were to choose a vaginal delivery. This seems like a less important point at this time, and I also had foreknowledge that once you have a c-section it’s usually c-sections that follow.
For the rest of the evening, I kept reminding myself that as long as Joshua is healthy, it really doesn’t matter how he arrived in this world. I need to put aside my perfect birth plan and accept the fact that he is here, and he is healthy.
Maybe some day when I am not so hormonal, I can come back and read this and laugh about my control freak nature. For now, I am bawling my eyes out as I type this. They are tears of sadness for missing Joshua’s birth, and tears of utter joy that he is now here with us!
Hanging out at home with Mommy:
I know this is gross, but it was such a big load that I had to document it!