In the beginning (Part I)

When I realized I was pregnant with Joshua, I was ecstatic. A few days later, I started having cramps and bleeding. Kathleen referred me to Dr. Lee, who immediately made time to see me. Dr. Lee sent me to get an ultrasound that didn’t come back with much because the embryo was too small. Then she sent me to BC Women’s Early Pregnancy Assessment Clinic (EPAC) for an ultrasound. By then I had been bleeding for a few days, and I was sure I had miscarried again.

I showed up at the EPAC, trying not to hope for any good news, but couldn’t help but beg God quietly to let me keep this baby. I went alone to the clinic, because I didn’t really want to deal with anyone if I had to fall apart emotionally.

Shortly after the EPAC doctor got started on the ultrasound, she said, “oh, see, there’s the heart beating!” She showed me a large black screen, with a tiny little pulsing grey dot. The dot pulsed at a fast but regular pace. It was more like a flicker on the big black screen. It took a few seconds for it to register in my mind that the doctor just said the heart was beating. The baby’s alive. Tears streamed down my face.

That was the most beautiful flicker I’ve ever seen in my life.

I decided that whoever this baby is, he or she has the most beautiful and strong heart. How else does an embryo at 6 weeks survive all the cramping and bleeding? The doctor determined that there’s some bleeding in the uterus. She couldn’t figure out what’s causing it or if it will become worse, but at least for now the baby is alive.

Two weeks later I was back at EPAC for a follow up ultrasound. The doctor said everything looks fine, and the bleeding in the uterus is not very visible anymore unless someone is purposely looking for it. At 8 weeks, I was still too scared to hope that things will be ok. I was so excited about being pregnant, and yet so afraid that it won’t last. I became half happy and half skeptical of my happiness. Later, I would find out this was not the last scare (hence this is only “part I” of the story).


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